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In Praise of Crocs


Oh Crocs, what a brilliant fiend you are.

You once only donned the soles of diabetics in hospitals that were so crippled they needed specialty orthopedic shoes just to walk. Now, with your help, all of America can look just like schizophrenic patients from a hospital wandering around the streets unattended. Clever you are to have to climbed to such great heights by taking advantage of the average American’s desire to buy something so completely unnecessary that you are deemed “cool.” How is it that you discovered wearing Mickey Mouse and Spiderman buttons on our feet was the key to our hearts?

You were struck down temporarily by bankruptcy. Your enemies (people with style, taste, and overall common sense) rejoiced at your demise. But how foolish they were to so prematurely assume your death without realizing that, like cockroaches, a scourge like Crocs does not die easily.

Now you are back in full-force with the objective of penetrating all markets. And you are surely on your way to fulfilling your dream that every American owns a pair of neon green clogs with holes that don’t keep feet dry in the rain.

This newest addition to your campaign, the creepy foot eating shoe creature from a bad trip on LSD, will forever go down in history as another case of marketing genius.

Crocs Creature, via

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